Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize