saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
