I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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