your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize