He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
