my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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