i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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