Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
