Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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