if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
