My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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