Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
