Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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