i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is Oprah even human
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize