I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
