Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize