my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Your dad touched me again.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
