I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Randomize