Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
