I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize