I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Randomize
