Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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