Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
birth control should be required to get into college
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
