i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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