I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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