fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
