Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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