I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
