Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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