dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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