at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
