I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
