I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
