Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
