FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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