Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And then he peed in my hair
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