On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
