I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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