im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
