And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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