the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize