a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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