I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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