She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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