i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
