Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
