It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
