hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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