matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
