So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
