I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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