my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
