My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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