I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
