be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
