I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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