She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
