remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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